I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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