I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
