my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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