Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
