...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
