What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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