Will you blow on my dice?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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