oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
