Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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