he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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