Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
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she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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