the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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