I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
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