I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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