ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
