May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
