I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
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I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
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Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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