my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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