i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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