my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
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