I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
