ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
