If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
