Just fell off a train. Bad.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
