He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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