did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
