Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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