i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
