We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
