I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
