He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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