I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
