I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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