I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
