He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
