i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
