he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
