What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
