It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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