I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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