The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
