it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
