Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
