were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
