The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Randomize