is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
