DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?