my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
