she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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