remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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