I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
