It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
