true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
