I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
