I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I came so hard my ears popped.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
