Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
