dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
