roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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