Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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