Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
it hurts more in the daytime
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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